


The Names of Things

by Yukitsune



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Character Study, Chika is a good friend, F/F, Friendship, Kanan is a good friend, Lots of cultural references, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 01:09:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16253564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yukitsune/pseuds/Yukitsune
Summary: Throughout her life, Dia has been called many things by different people. Each name describes a relationship and duty that she has to fulfil. However, she just doesn't seem to live up to her expectations of what her roles should be.In the midst of it all, she opens her locker and finds an anonymous confession waiting for her. With all the thoughts spinning around in her head and trying to juggle her responsibilities, Dia doesn't even consider getting into a relationship. However, with some help from her friends, her journey in self discovery and starts taking a different direction as compared to what she anticipated.





	The Names of Things

“We name mostly in order to control but what is worth loving does not want to be held within the bounds of too narrow a calling. In many ways love has already named us before we can even begin to speak back to it, before we can utter the right words or understand what has happened to us or is continuing to happen to us: an invitation to the most difficult art of all, to love without naming at all.” 

David Whyte, Consolations

~~

“Onee-chan”  
What it means to be a Sister

“Your little sister will be coming home soon, did you know that? Dia will be an onee-san.” At the sound of her name, Dia turned to her father curiously. She was building a castle with wooden blocks in the middle of the living room while she waited for her mother to come home. Her mother had disappeared sometime in the afternoon and her father was waiting by the phone. In the meantime, she had recreated a castle from one of her picture books and was very pleased when the structure was quite stable. She didn't completely understand what was happening, but her father looked tired and she wanted to accompany him since he rarely spent time at home. 

“Me? Onee-san?” The young girl repeated the unfamiliar phrase with some hesitance, continuing once her father nodded. “Little sister? What’s that?”

“She will be a new member of our family.”

“Will she be small and cute? Like a panda?” She asked excitedly. Various thoughts came to mind as she thought of the possibilities. A new member of the family meant something new for her to play with. “Or fluffy like a kitten?”

“No, she will be like you and your mother.” Her father chuckled and gently stroked her hair. Dia frowned in thought. 

“If she’s the same as me, why do I have to be an onee-chan?”

“Well, you’ll be bigger and older than her. So, you have to take care of her and be a good role model for her to rely on. That's what an onee-chan does.”

“Oh… Then, I’ll work hard to be the best onee-chan ever!” Dia announced proudly. She didn't quite understand what her role was, or what a good sister was supposed to do, but she was the top in her class and she would be starting koto and English lessons soon. She could definitely figure it out.

Or at least, that was what she thought.

The first few months were difficult. She would be woken up at night by the sound of wailing through the wall next to hers. Once her mother came to put her sister back to sleep, she would quieten. However, it would only last for a while before she would start crying again. A good sister should be able to take care of her, she thought.

She walked over to Ruby’s crib and showed her pages from her favorite books, hoping that she would see the pretty illustrations. However, her mother told her that Ruby wouldn't be able to read yet. She then tried to feed her sweets but Ruby burst into tears. Terrified, she almost dropped the lollipop when her mother entered the room, wondering what had happened. Her mother then told her that Ruby didn't have teeth yet so she couldn't enjoy sweets like that. Her last resort was to show her bunny to Ruby, so that she would be distracted by the movements. However, she lunged forward to grab her bunny and bawled when Dia held it out of her reach. Dia jumped at the sound and quickly moved away, cradling the soft toy in her hands. 

“It’s alright. It’s because she’s still a baby now.” Her mother reassured her when she refused to try and carry Ruby again. Her arms weren’t strong like her mother; it wasn’t worth taking such a risk. “She will be different when she gets older. You have plenty of time to take care of her because you will always be her onee-chan.” 

Dia was puzzled, but she was more discouraged than anything else. How could she take care of her sister when she didn't understand anything about her? All she could do was to go for her classes and study so that her mother could focus on taking care of her sister. What kind of big sister was she? She felt ashamed to be defined by a role that she couldn't even accomplish. 

11 months later, Dia was still very much at a loss about dealing with her sister.

Ruby was finally sleeping through the night, much to the relief of her and her parents. She was also learning how to crawl on her own. The week before, she had managed to stand on her own for a few seconds before crumpling to the ground. At least she had fallen onto the tatami mat covered floor, so she couldn't be hurt. Dia had been working on her English homework at the time but she had wanted to run over and check if she was alright. As expected, the tiny red-head looked like she was going to cry. However, her mother had reached her in time and told her how well she did, which seemed to placate her.

Dia had stopped trying to play with her as much. Instead, she focused on her studies and tried to be the best role model she could be. That was something she could do without hurting her.

“Ruby-chan, do you want to show your onee-chan what you’ve been practicing?” Dia looked up from her book slowly. She still wasn't used to being referred to as an onee-chan, even though both her parents repeated used the term. She responded reluctantly, but she didn't feel like she had earned the right to accept it as part of her identity. Even though she was now sharing her life with another person, she still felt like an individual. 

The next thing she knew, her mother had let go of Ruby and the young girl wobbled but she slowly made her way towards her. Each time Ruby faltered, Dia fought the urge to get up and hold her steady. However, she knew that she needed to make this accomplishment on her own.

She made it within two feet of Dia before she lost her balance and fell forward. This time, Dia reached out and caught her before she hit the ground. She was afraid that the impact itself would hurt her and make her cry, but instead, she heard a soft voice. “-nee-chan.”

“What?” Dia gently helped her to sit down and smoothened out her ruffled skirt. 

“Oh! She’s calling you!” Their mother clapped her hands elatedly and came over to pat Ruby’s head affectionately. “Ruby-chan, you learned how to say ‘onee-chan’. You’re such a smart girl!”

“But my name is Dia.” She pointed out. 

“Yes, but you're also Ruby’s onee-chan. You’re not just Dia anymore.” Their mother smiled and gave both of them a tight hug, before leaving the room. “I need to make dinner, so please watch your sister. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything. 

“Onee-chan…?” Ruby repeated, trying to imitate their mother’s pronunciation. After saying the entire phrase, she looked at Dia expectantly. Her eyes were green pools of innocence and Dia was amazed at how fast her resistance melted. 

“Yes, Ruby. I’m your onee-chan.” Dia pet her hair fondly as her younger sister beamed at her. She was still wary of interacting too much with the tiny girl. She had her reservations about her ability to take care of her. Yet, being able to say the words out loud was liberating. It was the first time she felt acknowledged in her new role in the family. In that moment, she felt like she was one step closer to becoming the big sister she had always longed to be. Even if it was only for a few minutes, it gave her a boost to continue trying to connect with her sister. “You did well.”

Ruby grinned and stretched out her arms towards her to ask for a hug. Dia hesitated. She didn’t know how to react since the last time she had tried to hold her sister, Ruby ended up crying. However, at the perceived rejection, Ruby’s mouth wobbled and the older girl quickly reached over to hug her. Her arms were still small in comparison to their mother and father, but she did her best to wrap her arms around Ruby without squeezing too tightly. After a moment, her sister started squirming, so Dia released her and returned to her book. Every few lines, she spared a glance at her sister, who was still crawling around by herself. After a while, she became absorbed in an interesting passage and paid less attention to her surroundings. Hence, she was surprised when she found her sister curled up into her side, sleeping soundly. She thought of moving to get a blanket for her, but Ruby’s fist was grasping the edge of her skirt. Instead, she shifted to make herself more comfortable and flipped to the next page. 

She probably would never completely understand her sister. Her behavior, desires and interests were rather different from hers. Sometimes, she still doubted herself and whether she had set a good enough example for Ruby to follow. However, perhaps simply being there and supporting her was at least a step in the right direction. She didn't have to be the greatest big sister in the world as long as she was the best sister she could be, for Ruby.

~~

 

“Kurosawa-san”  
What it means to be the Student Council President

“Good morning, Kurosawa-san.” The first-year student nervously adjusted the hem of her skirt as Dia walked by, on her way to the classroom. 

“Good morning.” The Student Council President turned to acknowledge the student but she realised she didn’t know her personally. The formal greeting was to be expected, considering the circumstances. With her affinity for rules and standards, people automatically associated her with discipline and authority. For one, her school attire looked like it had been directly lifted out of the student handbook. Her hair was always neatly in place, even after exercise. 

Dia’s eyes glanced to the fabric as the other girl tried to pull it down. She refrained from commenting that she was unintentionally drawing attention to her uniform while trying to be discreet about it. She could see why. Her skirt ended several inches too high above the knee for it to be of an appropriate length for school. 

As a graduating third year and the Student Council President, she had a reputation for being strict, especially with the younger years. She couldn't help that she was also the disciplinarian of the cohort. She wasn’t deliberately trying to torment them; she just wanted them to maintain the image of their school and respect others. However, she didn't want to start off a Friday by reprimanding someone. Hence, she swiftly turned the corner and walked into class, ignoring the sigh of relief that escaped the girl standing behind her. 

“Kurosawa-san, could you verify these documents? We need your stamp to get these claims filed by this week.” She hadn’t taken 3 steps into the classroom before she heard another voice calling her. The girl was wearing a red school tie and Dia recognized her as one of the financial secretaries of another club. The representative hadn’t attended any of the recent committee meetings. So, it didn’t surprise her to see that they were rushing to get their documents settled.

“You do understand that it takes time to get these claims processed, right? The deadline for submissions was last week. Even though you missed the previous meetings, you should have checked with the other clubs to find out about the deadline.” Dia reprimanded the girl sternly. She grimaced; so much for trying to avoid starting the day off by scolding someone. As the President, she had a duty to the school and the teachers to correct her. She couldn’t allow students to think that this behaviour was acceptable. “This is your responsibility as a finance secretary. Since you failed to meet the deadline, I cannot guarantee that you’ll be reimbursed for your claims. You’ll have to take responsibility for that.”

The girl shrunk back guiltily and bowed in apology. As it was, Dia didn’t have much choice other than to finish verifying the documents by the end of the day. She held back her sigh until the student left. She especially despised rushing through documents at the last minute, because there was a higher chance of something being missed. She scanned through checklist on the front page just to see if she needed any more information. Satisfied, she was ready to keep the documents in her bag until after class, when she would head to the Student Council room to spend her break checking the documents.

“Dia! What’s with that expression?” Dia looked up at the blonde, who had moved to sit in the empty seat in front of her. Her eyes latched onto the papers that she was trying to place into her school bag. “Oh! Is that a confession letter?”

“What? No. That doesn't make sense.” Dia drew back, just as Kanan dropped her bag into her seat and walked over to them. 

“Morning! Did anything interesting happen?” Turning to her friend, Dia greeted Kanan with a demure smile as she placed the form into her bag.

“Dia got embarrassed after I asked her about her confession!” Mari announced, less than discreetly. Her normal voice was already louder than the average student, but it felt like more than a few heads turned in their direction with the addition of Mari’s statement. “Our Dia is finally getting popular with her juniors, Kanan. She’ll be experiencing the fiery and heart-pounding emotions of love!”

“Please stop, Mari-san. It was just a financial claim!” Dia protested, flailing her arms to stop Mari from going even further off track. The blonde girl cheekily stuck out her tongue at her while apologising in accented English. Although she felt that something was amiss, Dia grudgingly let it pass. Mari always added too much exaggeration and hyperbole to her speech. It got to the point where Dia sometimes had to second guess whether her friend was genuinely making a joke or saying something to incite a reaction. “It’s impossible for me to accept such a confession, anyway. I have no interest in romance or dating anyone right now.” 

She proceeded to duck her head and fish out her various notebooks and stationary. Class was going to start soon, even though her friends preferred to wait until the moment the teacher entered, before getting ready for lessons. Her thoughts continued to be as she went through her bag. Hence, she completely missed the crestfallen look which took over Mari’s expression for a few seconds. 

“Eh? It was a joke... You can be too serious sometimes, Dia.” Mari retorted weakly. Although she managed to recover somewhat, Mari turned and found herself under Kanan’s watchful gaze. She bit her lip, knowing that it wasn’t the first time she had been caught by the blue haired girl, and it probably wasn’t going to be the last. She wanted to say something else, but Dia frowned and wasn't really paying attention to her. 

Meanwhile, the more she thought about it, the more affected she felt. Dia wanted to correct her, but realised that she couldn’t say anything to deny it. Mari was not technically wrong. Other students either found her intimidating, or cold. She had heard people draw lots to decide which one of them had to ask her for help, due to her reputation for being very strict. Either way, most people kept her at a distance. It was one of the side effects of being the Student Council President. She had decisive power but when it came to social power, the advantage didn’t lie with her. 

There was a moment of awkward silence, after which Dia noticed the clock on the wall. She scanned the classroom to check if the girl who usually sat in front of her had arrived. She didn’t want to chase Mari away, but since people already associated her with authority and responsibility, she accepted it as part of her definition. She also didn't want to deprive her classmate of her seat. “You know that’s not your seat, Mari-san. Please return to your seat before the lesson starts.”

“Aw Dia, don't you want me here? My feelings are hurt.” Mari whined. Dia didn't budge from her position. She had known Mari long enough to know that she liked to exaggerate. “This teacher is usually late so I’ll go back when she comes in.”

“Hahaha! It’s just like our Dia to say something like that. That’s why she was the obvious choice for Student Council President.” Kanan stood beside Dia’s desk while the other students slowly filed into the classroom, dropping greetings and waves to them as they made their way to their seats. There was a steady hum of conversation that buzzed around Dia, making it easy to lose track of her thoughts while the other two conversed amiably.

Part of her wanted to remind them that neither of them were present during the elections, but they had already gone off tangent. They were used to Dia drifting into her thoughts in the middle of their conversations. It was a habit of hers to think before she spoke. Hence, she usually remained silent when she figured that she had nothing significant to contribute to their topic. The discussion had turned to what they should do after school since they only had to meet the other Aqours girls for practice in the evening. She reminded herself that she still had to go through the documents and submit the file before 5pm. She wouldn't be able to go with them anyway.

Even though they had grown up together and been best friends for years, she was always distinguished from Kanan and Mari. It had always been a lingering thought in her head, but having people point it out made it more difficult to ignore. She knew that her getting the official position was not due to mass popularity. She had been elected as Student Council President only because there was no one else to do the job. Or rather, everyone already looked to her for leadership, so the election process was sheer formality. Her reputation had already been established when she was a junior student. Whenever there was a job that needed to be taken care of, or a leadership role that needed to be filled, everyone looked to her. She had always been expected to take on the role of a leader. To some extent, it made her doubt herself because people probably would have selected somebody else who was more well-liked if they were interested in the role. 

She thought back to the last few weeks leading up to the elections. She had already been well-known for being the top scorer and having the most experience when it came to official events. Hence, getting a recommendation from her teachers and garnering votes didn't take much campaigning on her part. It might have been entirely different if Mari and Kanan had been in school during the previous semester.

Mari’s energy and ambition had always been popular with her classmates and Kanan had been idolized as the cool leader. She, in contrast, was simply the one who kept them in line. When she walked into the room, the most common reaction was a polite greeting as well as a check on their own attire. When it came to socializing, people usually only spoke to her about official and academic topics, while their entire demeanor changed to excitement and humor when they turned to her friends. In some sense, Dia felt like she would have been the last choice in comparison to the other two. It made her slightly resentful when she saw how easily they managed to strike conversations with random people around them, while she could barely invoke small talk with classmates she’s known for years.

At times, she wondered whether Ayase Eli shared her insecurities and worried about what other people thought about her. She had also been categorized as a strict and icy Student Council President, but she managed to connect with the other members and her peers. Thinking about her favourite idol going through the same troubles gave her some form of motivation to continue striving for excellence; not that she would aim for any less. She greatly admired the quarter Russian, not just for juggling her student council duties and idol activities, but also because she represented the type of idol, senpai and Student Council President she wanted to be. 

She knew that the respect she gained from her peers had been earned way before she had taken on an official role. However, she had quickly grown to accept her own responsibility to the school and student body. As it currently stood, being Student Council President had become a part of her identity that she didn't want to lose. 

There was a clamor as one of the other girls ran back into class. Dia looked up slowly. A hush descended upon the rest of the class as their form teacher rushed in, looking slightly frazzled. Her arms were full of papers and notes, which she deposited on the front table as the first bell rung. Dia blinked; Mari had all but transported to her original seat and Kanan had taken her seat behind her. A couple of students turned to her expectantly and she shook herself out of her daze. She stood, and everyone followed. It had always been that way. She almost smiled. Being a leader was part of her duties, but it had become more than just an obligation. Right now, this was who she was, and she was going to do her best.

“Class, please stand… Good morning, Sensei.”

~~

 

“Dia-san”  
What it means to be a Senpai

The final bell rang to signal the end of the school week. With renewed energy, students started packing up their things and getting ready to start their weekend. 

“Dia, are you sure you don't want us to wait for you?” 

“Yes, please go ahead and enjoy your lunch. I’ll get something later after I’m done. It shouldn't take too long.” 

She waited until her two friends left before she headed towards the student council room. Her friends were kind but she didn't want to inconvenience them. They were disappointed but Dia knew that they would have just as much fun without her. Whereas if she followed them, she would spend the entire lunch worrying about her work. She took her duties as a senpai seriously, especially since she was the first person that people looked towards when something was amiss.

Aside from completing her work in the Student Council, she also felt that she had the duty of setting a good example for her juniors. Being self-reliant and capable of handling her responsibilities were qualities she wanted to exude as a senior. She casually flipped through the pages of proposals and claims from the financial secretary. Evaluating the budget and verifying the expenditure of the club was not an exciting task, which was why Mari hated doing paperwork. If it were up to her, she would have given the club the money as long as she felt the event was worth it. Thinking about her lack of sense exasperated Dia even though she knew that Mari had good intentions. 

She noticed how many of the plans were set for the upcoming term as well as suggestions for the term after. She would have graduated by then. It surprised her, how soon her school years at Uchiura were going to end. It made her think of whether she had made an impact in the school, not with Aqours, or the Student Council, but as herself. Sometimes, she wondered who people will remember her as. Would they see her as the strict President, the responsible senpai, the overly serious Aqours member, or would their memory of her be reduced to a photograph in the yearbook, set to be forgotten after a few years. Throughout her years of living and schooling, she had taken on many roles. Yet, she had always felt the gap between her and the rest of her peers, friends, juniors, and even the other Aqours members. It had been a while since the incident at Marine Park where she had made a fool of herself trying to get closer to her juniors. However, everyone still called her “Dia-san”. Even though she now understood that they addressed her formally because they want to show their admiration towards her, she still felt a bit distant from them.

Originally addressing people by their first names was taboo in Japan. Now, the practice was accepted between people who were considered friends. Calling someone by their personal name indicated a sense of familiarity and intimacy, which made it easy to show the difference between friends and peers. Hence, it stung when she realised that Kanan and Mari had graduated from being considered a “senpai” to being a “friend”, even though she had spent more time in school as compared to them.

Kanan had never been interested in taking up official positions. She had been appointed the leader of Aqours when they first made the group, but she had only agreed after much persuasion from both her and Mari. Considering that she also took a leave of absence from school and almost couldn't be promoted to her final year, she didn't have a strong understanding of the school hierarchy. Then again, the avid swimmer was never as interested with the politics of running the school. That was part of what made her more approachable because students saw her as one of them, and not as a senpai. It wasn't surprising to see and hear whispers of how cool the junior students thought she was. 

Mari, on the other hand, was very aware of her position; especially after taking over as the Chairwoman. She was confident and persuasive; both qualities of a good businesswoman. She was also charismatic and captivating as a senior, which made her popular with her underclassmen. Compared to her though, Mari and Kanan were more focused on gaining back their lost time and enjoying the school years while they still could. Dia half admired them because she couldn't help but worry and panic about the low enrollment issues. Her focus had always been on the future and creating long term plans. The school was important to her and she wanted to make sure that the students would still be taken care of, after she graduated. It had gotten to the point where she had even confronted Mari about not taking her duties seriously. After which, she discovered that she had been wrong in her impressions. Her friends were equally as committed as she was, in saving the school. They had just gone about it in different ways. In that aspect, she still felt like she fell more than a few feet short of expectations.

Being an upperclassman was something that Dia felt passionate about because she had worked hard to maintain her position of leadership and her image of being a responsible and trustworthy student. As a freshman, she had worked hard to gain the respect of her peers and seniors by excelling in her studies. When she entered her senior year, she was still undefeated in terms of academics and accomplishments. However, she was just not able to be the ‘senpai’ that was adored by her juniors. It wasn't as if she was trying to be popular. However, she couldn't say that she was completely unaffected when people fawned over her best friends. People only came to her when they needed help. Speaking of which, she had a job to do. 

She took out her pen and started to make notes on the photocopied versions of the documents. Her personal issues could not be the main problem when she still had official business to complete. 

Time was like liquid fire, slipping through her fingers and burning her plans into ash. She had started when the afternoon sun was still glaring through the windows. However, just after she had signed and stapled the last set of forms, the clock chimed. It was a quarter to 5pm. Her eyes widened. She had to rush to the office in order to submit the documents before the staff left for the week. She raised her arms over her head and felt the strain of her muscles as they protested the movement. She rubbed the drowsiness from her eyes and wished that she had time for a cup of tea to energize herself. 

After personally delivering it to the supervisor’s office, she headed to her locker to grab her training clothes. Most of the students had left school unless they had club activities, so the hallways were virtually empty. Hence, she relished in the temporary peace and quiet which would dissolve once she reached the Aqours club room. To her, the silence wasn't disconcerting because she could take the time to sort out her own thoughts and reflections. 

She swung open the door to her locker and grabbed her folded clothes hastily. As she turned around to leave, she almost missed the sound of an envelope fluttering to the ground behind her. She picked it up warily. It was a plain envelope with her name written on the front. Curious, she opened it. 

実は 貴女は前々から気になっているんです。  
The truth is, I started liking you from a long time ago.  
でも個人的に教えてあげたいから、  
But I want to tell you this in person,  
今日は3時半に学校の緊急階段へ行ってください。  
So please go to the emergency staircase at 3.30.  
待っています。  
I’ll be waiting for you. 

There was no signature, but it sounded very much like a confession letter. Her first reaction after she recovered from her shock was to glance around in case someone was hiding. It had to have been a prank. There was hardly anyone who dared to speak to her, much less dream about confessing to her. Dia didn't know how to feel about the situation. Perhaps Mari had somehow gained prophetic powers without her knowledge. 

The letter was anonymous but the request for her to meet the sender at 3.30pm made her freeze. She didn't have to look at her watch to know that it was already way past the time stated. The person most probably would have left by then. Practice was supposed to start in a few minutes and she had yet to change into her workout attire. She debated going to check the meeting place anyway, considering that if the person was genuinely confessing, being stood up would be humiliating. Dia was troubled by the thought. 

Holding her clothes under one arm, she made her way towards the sports hall to find the changing rooms. As she passed by the emergency staircase, she felt a little disappointed that there was nobody in sight. Still, she knew that she didn’t have the right to feel disappointed since she had arrived so late. 

After changing into her training attire, Dia turned on the notifications on her phone. The amount of red numbers that accumulated over her chat groups didn’t surprise her anymore. It had been a good idea to switch her phone off earlier. In the span of a few hours, the Aqours group chat had over 70 messages. Frowning, she attempted to read through the first few notifications. The patience to siege through all the emoticons and unrelated jokes was something she lacked. She stopped when she reached the section where Chika was getting chided by Riko because she forgot to finish the lyrics to their next song. After that, there was a flurry of messages as the other members tried to give suggestions and comments. Some were relatively considerable at best, if she ignored the paragraphs from Yoshiko which she could not understand. She still could not completely grasp most of what she said. 

Dia scrolled through her other chats and found a private message from Ruby informing her about the change in meeting location. Her message was short and sweet, but to the point. All the years of being chided for beating around the bush had finally paid off, Dia thought. Apparently, Chika had not been able to come up with lyrics for their new song despite the numerous deadlines, so they had collectively decided to push their practice back and help her. 

Silently thanking the gods for giving her a thoughtful sister, she typed out a quick reply acknowledging the message and informing her that she was on her way. She could infer that everyone was already there waiting, since Ruby’s next message came almost instantly. Hence, she increased her walking speed, despite glancing down to read the message. That was odd. Mari wasn't at the venue either. 

Puzzled, she was about to inform Ruby that Mari should have been with Kanan according to the last time they had seen one another. She had just sent the message when she felt herself collide with another body. Her chin barely brushed against the taller girl’s shoulder as she stepped back to avoid intruding into her personal space. The apology died in her throat when she saw the other girl’s slumped shoulders. 

“Mari-san?” She called out uncertainly. 

“Oh, Dia.” The blonde girl turned at the sound of her voice. She seemed startled, but Dia couldn't tell whether her surprise was a delayed reaction to their collision, or because it was her. It had only been a few hours since they had last spoke, but her mood seemed to have taken a dip, and Dia wasn't sure if she should bring it up. Her usual gleam was absent from her eyes but she forced a weak smile to her lips. “I would assume that as the President, you’d pay more attention to your surroundings.” 

It was a futile attempt at humor, but Dia could see right through it. For someone who prided herself on being “shiny”, she looked like the light within her had been considerably dimmed. It made Dia wish that she could lighten the mood with a joke or distract her with an interesting topic, but she didn’t know how to do any of those things. It was usually Mari and Kanan who were in those positions. It physically pained her to see Mari hurt, and not be able to make her feel better. At times like this, she hated how powerless she was. This was the reason she refrained from getting into relationships. It wasn’t just because she had high standards, like she often told people. She simply wasn’t suited for romance at all. Even if she possessed all the authority and standards in the world, everything would be meaningless if she couldn’t make the person she cared about, feel better. The singularity of her own thought surprised and scared her at the same time. 

She didn’t feel that way for Mari. She couldn’t. She was attractive, but it was an open secret that Mari was no stranger to receiving confessions. It was also known that she rejected every single one. For someone who spoke so romantically, she was surprisingly logical and responsible. They had talked about dating before, back when Aqours had only three members. Mari mentioned that she could not seriously date or accept a confession from someone while having feelings for someone else. However, from what she knew, the blonde girl hadn’t dated anyone seriously during her time in Uchiura. After Mari left, she didn't want to think about what that piece of knowledge meant. 

It was ridiculous for her to even consider it. There was definitely someone else who would be a better match as compared to her. Someone who was strong enough to stand by her side and cared for her the way she deserved. A flash of navy hair crossed her mind and she swallowed the bitter feeling in her throat. She knew that Kanan and Mari had nothing romantic going on between them. It was the same with her and Kanan, and presumably, her and Mari. So, the thought of Mari seeing her as just a best friend shouldn’t have made her feel morose. 

“I heard from Ruby that the venue for today has been moved to the club room.” 

“Mm, I just checked the group chat.”

“Ah... I thought you’d be with Kanan since you had lunch with her.” It was strange to be the one struggling to find a way to continue the conversation since the natural conversationalist was Mari. Dia had a newfound respect for the blonde who always managed to open her to conversations even when she didn’t feel like socialising. 

“I had an errand to run, so I told her to go ahead.” Mari replied. She didn’t offer anything else and allowed an uncomfortable silence to set in. 

“I see...” She tried to avoid awkward silences but she couldn't think of another topic or question for her. Dia was prepared to make the excuse that she had to go and change, but she saw Mari’s eyes dart towards the folded letter in her hand. She remembered how excited and enthusiastic Mari was, when she thought that Dia had received a confession. Even though it was a private letter, there was a possibility that it would give the blonde something else to think about. 

“I found this in my locker just now, and I don’t know what to do with it.” 

“Oh? Why didn’t you go and meet the person who confessed? It takes a lot of courage to do something like that.” 

“I only found the letter after I finished my work in the council room. I walked by the meeting location but nobody was there. Whoever it was, they must have left with the impression that I’m an awful person.” Dia sighed. She wished she had seen the letter earlier. She would have had to face the unfamiliar situation, but she wouldn't have the guilt for unintentionally standing the person up. Suddenly, something occurred to her. She turned to her friend hopefully. “Mari-san, did you happen to see anyone outside on the way to school?” 

The look that Mari sent her was unreadable, and it made Dia wonder if she had said something wrong. Maybe Mari was upset that she didn’t try harder to look for her would-be admirer. Luck wasn’t on her side, it seemed. She had hoped that her friend would at least be able to help her identify the person who confessed.

“No... There was nobody there when I arrived.” Mari said softly. She seemed to be considering saying something more but she didn’t continue. The gloomy atmosphere dissolved when she turned back to face Dia with a more genuine smile. It lasted until she checked her watch and exclaimed. 

“Oh! We’re going to be late!” Mari reached for Dia’s hand and yanked her forward into a run. “Let’s go!” 

“Mari-san!! We can’t run in the halls!” Dia yelped awkwardly as she fumbled to keep up with her. As the Chairwoman of the school, Mari should be more careful with her appearance, Dia thought. Then again, Mari was also a student, trying to save the school she loved, just like her. Perhaps in some ways, they were on equal footing. 

“Come on, Dia! They can’t start without us!” The return of her accented English made Dia smile a little. This was the Mari she knew. She wondered briefly when she had started to think of Mari’s mix of English and Japanese as normal instead of trying to correct all the grammatical errors in her head. Mari was standing before her with a smirk on her face and a lilt in her voice. Dia glanced down at their joined hands and back to the other girl’s warm expression. She smiled back.

She didn’t know if Mari was truly feeling better. The blonde girl had a tendency to mask whatever emotions she was feeling until she was ready to make sense of them. Whatever It was that was bothering her, Dia would wait until Mari was willing to share it with her. However, as Mari lead her up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, she realised that she might be the Student Council President to everyone else, but she was fine with being just Dia when she was with Mari. 

 

“Dia-chan”  
What it means to be a Team Member

Her somber mood returned approximately an hour into the meeting. 

Although she had tried her hardest to pay attention to the topic of discussion, her mind was elsewhere. The rest of the girls were talking animatedly about the set list for their next performance and whether they could come up with new choreography in time. Or at least, that was the discussion topic before she started spacing out. She couldn’t help the nagging voice in her head telling her that she had lost her chance and worse, had hurt someone unintentionally. She had always assumed that nobody thought she was worth getting close to, but her own behaviour could have been the cause of her isolation. 

There was no way for her to figure out who the person was. If she could, she would apologise and answer their confession properly. 

“Dia-san, did something happen with the student council? You look troubled.” Riko asked. It was completely off-topic but everyone in the room went quiet, albeit for different reasons. “Eh? Why did everyone stop talking?” 

Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say, because in an instant, a multitude of voices broke the silence. 

“Mm… Now that I think about it, you’re right, Riko-chan.” The orange haired leader looked genuinely concerned and it made Dia feel guilty for burdening them. She was supposed to be the manager of Aqours, so she shouldn't be bringing her problems into the clubroom. 

“I heard from someone in the other class that there was a lot of work to be done for financial claims. If you need any help with council work, we can try to help!” You added, trying to be helpful, although Dia doubted that they would be much help in that area. 

“Dia-san seems sad today, zura. Is there something on your mind?” The calm and gentle voice of Hanamaru came diagonally across from her. Her kind nature made it easy for Dia to feel comfortable around her, both as a unit-mate and as a friend. In some ways, she had more in common with her than Ruby, although she would not dare to admit that out loud. 

“Ah, due to the power of darkness, I can sense the waves of emotions linked to the turmoil of the heart! Such contortions of despair can only be interpreted as a cry to the darkness for which only the power of a fallen angel can cure.” The first year launched into a paragraph of barely comprehensible speech for which Dia had no words to respond with. She blinked and was prepared to politely reject her offer. Fortunately, Hanamaru beat her to it. Literally. “Come and join me as my little demon and let the Fallen Angel Yohane take care of-”

“Yoshiko-chan, if you want to refer to a broken heart, just say that.” Hanamaru cut her off with a swift but firm knock on the head, causing the girl to yelp in pain. Apparently, having the power of the darkness didn't absolve her from feeling physical pain. 

“It’s Yohane!” Rubbing the spot on her head, Yoshiko retorted. 

“Yes, yes, but even the Fallen Angel Yohane needs to speak in a way that people understand.” Ruby chided gently. Her tone was too kind in Dia’s opinion but she was able to get through to Yoshiko. The latter girl’s brows immediately furrowed as she contemplated the merits of Ruby’s comment. Then, Ruby delivered her finishing blow which sealed her decision. “If not, your little demons can’t follow you.” 

“Wait… broken heart? Dia-san is having relationship troubles?” The diversion was short lived, much to Dia’s displeasure. Everyone’s eyes were back on her. 

“What?” Dia looked at the curious faces around her, but even Ruby remained silent and refused to meet her gaze. Mari and Kanan were the only other people who lacked the enthusiasm that the others possessed. She unconsciously gripped the edges of her skirt. It wasn't like she was lying to them. Yet, she felt like she had to force the words out. 

“You’re all mistaken. I’m not in a relationship, nor do I have an interest in dating anyone.” 

“Ehhh? Dia-san, are you completely against dating? What if someone confessed to you?” Riko exclaimed loudly, ever the romantic of the group. “Would you consider dating them?” 

Dia paused and thought about the letter she received. “I wouldn’t date someone that I’m not interested in. It wouldn’t be fair to them. So, I suppose I would have to reject them.” 

She had barely finished her sentence when Mari abruptly rose from her seat, turning everyone’s attention to her lone figure. 

“Ah... sorry everyone.” The look on her face wasn’t unfamiliar. Dia remembered seeing the same look when she had ran into Mari on the way to practice. It made her heart feel like something had gnawed a hole through it and proceeded to rub salt over the wound. It was a strange feeling, because the pain was Mari’s and not hers. Her voice was brittle and cold, so unlike the warm and passionate girl she knew. “Silly me. I, uh, I forgot that I have something to do this evening so I have to go now. See you!” 

The rest of the members were confused but recovered quickly and said their goodbyes as Mari picked up her bag and nearly ran from the room. There was a short wordless glance between Chika and Kanan, which Dia barely caught, before the blue haired girl leaned back against the chair with a soft sigh. Dia wondered if Kanan felt the same helplessness she did, watching Mari’s back grow smaller. 

“Uh… maybe we should start practice so we can do a proper run through before sundown.” There was a murmur of agreement as everyone got up and headed to the roof. 

~ 

“Dia-chan! We did a great job today, don't you think? I’m looking forward to our next practice.” Dia swallowed a mouthful of water and wiped her forehead with her towel. The roof was empty except for her and Chika, so no one else was there to witness her surprise at being addressed informally.

Everyone else had already gone home or for dinner. Ruby had asked for permission to go for dinner with the other first years and Dia allowed her to go, albeit reluctantly. As much as she chided her sister, she found it difficult to reject her innocent request. She had already informed their parents that neither of them were coming home for dinner, but it seemed like her dinner plans with her sister just fell through.

“Oh, Chika-san, thank you for your hard work today.” The younger girl was still wearing her training clothes, but she had freshened up and her school bag was slung over her shoulder. She was almost bouncing on the balls of her feet despite the amount of times they had rehearsed. Dia couldn’t help but admire the energy and life that seemed to spill from her.

“Ah, Dia-san, I would like to ask for your opinion. What did you think of this second verse?” After looting around in her bag, Chika handed her a page from her notebook. She seemed to realise her unintentional slip, because she frowned and shook her head slightly. The quick movement didn’t escape Dia’s notice, but she directed her attention to a few scribbles and cancellations on her page. She wasn’t as bothered as before, regarding the suffixes that the Aqours girls used for her. 

“I had trouble coming up with lyrics that were relatable to the original theme. The words just didn’t flow correctly. Do you think this part fits better here or should I just remove it altogether?”

Dia wondered if she was asking for advice out of consideration, since she was the group’s official manager, or if it was a prelude to questions about her strange behaviour earlier. Either way, she scanned the lines and gave it some thought. “I think you managed to maintain a link between the chorus and the verse, but maybe using this as a bridge would improve the transition back to the chorus because it doesn’t exactly fit with the logical flow.”

“I thought so... I’ll try to come up with something over the weekend!” Chika bunched her hands into fists with determination. “Thanks, Dia-chan!”

“Ah, you don’t have to keep calling me ‘Dia-chan’. It really doesn’t bother me.” Dia commented. She felt like she had been burdening the group with her selfish desires. It wasn’t becoming of an upperclassman. “I don’t want to inconvenience you to call me something that isn’t natural.”

“What?” Chika shook her head vehemently. If she didn’t know better, Dia would have chided her in case she pulled a muscle. “It’s no trouble at all! Aqours wouldn’t be Aqours without you. You’re like everyone’s onee-chan because you always take such good care of us! Although, I don’t think Ruby-chan would be happy if we called you that.”

Dia chuckled softly in agreement. She didn’t have to imagine Ruby’s face scrunching up in anger, she had already seen it on more than one occasion. Her sister was anything but timid in that respect. “No, she wouldn’t.”

“Back then, when we called you ‘Dia-chan’, it made you happy, right?” Dia couldn’t deny that. She could still feel the relief and genuine affection that made her anxiety melt away when everyone called her ‘Dia-chan’.

“I know that everyone else still thinks of you in that way, no matter what name they use to address you.” Chika’s tone took a softer turn and her voice lost the energetic rush of her usual speech. Instead, she spoke clearly and seriously, with no hesitation.

“I’m not very talented or smart, so I can’t do much to help you with council work or administrative work. I take a while to learn the choreography and songs too. So, sometimes I feel like I can’t do much to contribute as a leader. However, I can keep calling you ‘Dia-chan’ so that you remember how important you are to us.”

Dia had to look away because she suddenly felt like crying. At times, the ginger confused her with her enthusiasm and clumsiness because she would charge towards a goal despite the high chance of disappointment. She had known Chika since they were children, but her impression of her only changed after she joined Aqours. She had an inherent strength about her that gave Dia the motivation to chase after her forgotten dreams with a passion that she thought she had lost. When Chika genuinely believed in something, she was an unstoppable force. Dia knew she wouldn’t be able to convince her otherwise. So, instead of protesting, she chose to become a member of Chika’s team. It was humbling to be supporting the group even though she had initially been antagonistic towards the idea. She was used to being the leader and having authority over decisions. However, being in Aqours had shown her that being a follower could be just as fulfilling. 

In that moment, she decided to take a leap. She turned to the younger girl. 

“Chika-san, do you know how things are named?” 

“Huh? Do you mean like how a dog is ... a dog?” She tilted her head to the side as she stared at her in slight confusion. 

“Well, ‘dog’ is a noun. People often forget that a noun is actually a word and not the actual thing that it represents.” Dia explained. Part of her realized how technical it sounded and she doubted whether Chika would be able to understand what she was trying to refer to. “When the human brain acquires knowledge, it has to go through initial learning and transfer of knowledge before we are able to recognise and define something.” 

“That sounds confusing.” Chika didn't seem uninterested, though. So, Dia felt less hesitant about continuing.

“In the same way, if different people have recognize and define the same thing in various ways, then it’s possible to carry plural identities.”

She thought about all the different names she had been called over the years. As a child, she had been taught to address everyone respectfully, and in return, people naturally did the same. Hence, she assumed that it was normal for everyone. Going to school and interacting people who hadn’t even learned formal speech was a struggle for her initially. In some ways, she felt like she was constantly juggling multiple definitions of herself. People only knew her on the surface but she didn't know them well enough to build a proper relationship. Thus, most people just addressed her neutrally so that their relationship would remain superficial. At the time, she had accepted it because other than Kanan and Mari, everyone else was simply her colleague or schoolmate. There was no need for nicknames or closer friendships.

She had only started craving the easy intimacy which her friends naturally possessed with one another, after she joined Aqours. In the beginning, she had been contented with thinking of the other girls as her schoolmates and kouhai. Hence, she didn't mind addressing them formally. As the group gradually grew closer, she noticed that the other members switched to informal speech and nicknames with one another. While for her, they remained relatively formal. Perhaps it was because she was usually the voice of reason in the team. Being informal and casual was something she didn’t know how to do, since Kanan and Mari had always accepted her formal way of speaking. They were the only ones who called her without any suffixes, which had surprised her when they were younger. Despite her initial protests, they hadn’t taken her rejection as an answer and told her to get used to it. She was glad that she did.

“Ah... I don’t really understand what you said, but we distinguish one another to make people feel special. So, in a way, you mean different things to different people; but you’re still you.”

“In that case, does it mean that without someone recognizing your relationship with them, it doesn't exist?” Dia mused. 

“Hmm, I get what you’re saying, but relationships are reciprocal. If you address everyone, with ‘-san’, most people would feel like you want to keep them at a distance because you don't seem to get close to anyone.” Chika hesitated. She turned to face her. “How do you feel towards all of us, Dia-chan?”

Dia thought about it for a minute.

Snapshots of names and faces of people she interacted with flashed through her mind. She didn't feel much affection for most people, because she didn't really know them. Chika was correct, in that sense. She could count the people who saw through her formal and distant personality on one hand. 

“I suppose Ruby, Kanan-san and Mari-san are the people I feel closest to. However, I consider everyone in Aqours as friends who are important to me.”

“Uwa-! Hearing you say that makes me really happy!” The other girl gave her a bright grin which made her heart feel just a bit lighter. “See, you don’t have to change yourself in order to connect with everyone! The most important people in your life already address you in ways that show other people how close you are to them. In that case, I can represent the whole of Aqours and do the same. Hence, please get used to being called Dia-chan from now on.”

Dia was suddenly at a loss for words. It was at times like this, when she desperately wished she was less hesitant about hugging people. She tried to stifle her smile but broke into a trail of laughter which Chika joined whole heartedly. She wondered if Chika If the feeling of her heart being relieved of its weight was any indication, she wouldn't mind laughing like this more often. 

“Then, please continue taking care of me from now on.” Although she often said the same thing to other people, it was the first time which she felt like she could genuinely count on someone to do just that. 

“Ahaha! I should be the one saying that.” Chika laughed. “Then, let’s work hard together from now on, Dia-chan!”  
~~

 

“Dia”  
What it means to be a Friend

“Ah, I was beginning to wonder if you had already left.” She had just passed by the front gate when a slim figure jogged up to them, waving a phone in her hand. “Did neither of you check your messages?”

“Kanan-san? You were waiting for us?” Although it was too late, Dia whipped out her phone and found the series of messages asking if she wanted to walk home together. The last message was sent 15 minutes ago. Kanan wasn’t the type to hold it against her but she still felt guilty, considering she had spent more than a few minutes talking to Chika before they had gotten chased out by the security guards who were locking up.

“Ah, sorry Kanan-chan! I wanted to discuss something with Dia-chan.” Chika piped up before Dia could apologise in her stead. She had a sheepish grin on her face, which didn’t make her look apologetic at all. However, Kanan relaxed a little when she saw her, so Dia kept silent. “Anyway, I’ve got to go home for dinner so I’ll be going first! I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon for practice!”

As quickly as she had appeared, the orange haired girl darted off ahead of the evening shadows. Her hair seemed to catch the evening sun as it bounced off her back. Dia wasn’t as sentimental as some other people she knew, but this girl was someone she wanted to keep in her life after she was no longer an Aqours member.

“So, shall we get going too?” Kanan shrugged to reposition the bag resting on her shoulder. Dia nodded. With that, they started their descent with the sun hanging low over the horizon. 

~~

“And so, it’s come to this, hasn’t it?”

“You don’t have to make it sound so dramatic, Kanan-san.” Dia rolled her eyes, eyeing the menu from Kanan’s side. The pony tailed girl read and reread the words on the menu, making hums and contemplative sighs every few seconds. Dia spared a quick glance behind to make sure that there wasn’t a queue forming behind them. They were fortunate that the store owner found them amusing. “You’re just ordering takoyaki.”

“Dia, it’s the toppings; the distinguishing factor between a good and bad takoyaki experience. Bonito or nori flakes, which do you think is better?” Dia rolled her eyes. It made her question her decision to let Kanan take care of their orders.

“We’ve eaten here before and you liked the nori flakes.”

“Exactly!! But I can’t decide whether I want to stick with that or try something new.”

“Kanan-san, you’ve been spending too much time with Mari-san. You’re starting to sound as indecisive as her.” Dia commented offhandedly. She recalled a similar instance occurring with Mari when the latter had trouble deciding between manjuu flavours. For Mari, it was easy. Taking bites of one another’s food came naturally because Mari liked to converse over food or drinks. That usually meant that by the end of the meal, she would have taken half of Mari’s food and vice versa. Whereas with Kanan, the pair of them usually ended up walking or talking so much that they would forget about sharing the food they bought.

Kanan couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Okay, you may be right.”

After finally getting their orders, the two girls headed towards a nearby bench. They had meandered from their normal route as they walked and talked about idle topics as they came to mind. Some responses were just familiar enough to make her feel nostalgic. It was a strange thing, to feel like she missed Kanan even though she was right next to her.

In a sense, she missed the little girl she knew as Kanan. That same girl had grown up strong and mature, similar to the person her younger self had hoped to become. She never told Kanan how proud of her she was, but she told herself that Kanan knew.

The years before school and Aqours were gone forever. She knew that. Although there were certain experiences which she thought she could have handled better, she didn’t wish to turn back time. Learning to accept her role in society and in her relationships were parts of growing up and adapting to the world as the people around her changed.

They were walking along the pier when Dia reached into her bag and pulled out the letter. She didn’t like asking for advice or help, but her friend had already guessed that something was on her mind. Hence, she finally caved and showed her the single piece of paper that had been weighing on her mind. Eyeing her with an unspoken question, Kanan held the envelope in her hands but didn’t open it. She didn't seem surprised.

“I don’t know how to deal with confessions, much less figure out how to respond to one.” Dia said sullenly.

“Would it really matter though? You said that you didn't have an interest in dating anyone.” Kanan’s words were honest but not unkind. Her intense gaze made Dia feel even more guilty when she recalled how adamant her response was, back in the club room.

“I have responsibilities to my family, to Aqours and to the school. I don’t want to lose focus on the things and people that I care about now, for something that could potentially not work out.”

“So, does that mean that you do like someone right now, but you’re afraid of taking the risk?” 

“I didn't say that.” Dia shot back. “We have to think about the present and future as well. We can’t ignore our responsibilities and let ourselves get caught up with romantic ambitions.” 

Kanan looked like she was having an internal debate. Dia couldn't tell if she had won or lost. “Would it be different if they’re already someone you care about? They would share those responsibilities with you, and it would be easier to connect with them on a personal level.”

“That’s beside the point. I still have problems connecting with the other Aqours girls.” Dia’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “I don’t think I’m suited for a relationship like this.”

“You really underestimate yourself, don't you? Knowing a person comes from learning more about them. The other girls just haven’t spent enough time with you yet.” Kanan encouraged. “For someone who’s so independent, I’m really happy that you asked me for advice.”

“Wait, if it’s someone who shares all those responsibilities... it’s someone in Aqours?” Dia leapt off the bench, startling the other girl. She stood a few feet from Kanan, her hands bunched by her sides. 

“Kanan-san!” Dia’s face was red. Kanan didn't expect this reaction, when she expressed her happiness for being relied on. It was something that she and Mari had both discussed with her, because Dia didn't often share her concerns. 

“Y-yes?” Kanan replied, in the affirmative, instinctively. She didn't know how else to respond.

“Do you have feelings for me?”

“Eh!?!” Stunned at the turn of events, Kanan blinked. Her brain struggled to process the escalation that had occurred within the past 30 seconds. “Wait a second, Dia. You think it was me?”

At the lack of response from the other girl, she burst into laughter. She had to wrap her hands around her sides to keep herself from falling over. Meanwhile, Dia looked like she was considering ways to self-combust. If anything, it made Kanan laugh even harder.

“K-Kanan-san, it’s not funny!”

“Yes, it is!” She wiped a stray tear from her eye. “You’ve known me for years! Do you really think I would confess to you like that?”

“...I guess not,” Dia found her composure and returned to sit beside her. “That wasn’t helpful at all!”

She felt the additional weight as Kanan placed her hands on her shoulders.

“Dia, it’s okay to be scared. Whoever confessed is probably just as afraid as you are; or perhaps even more afraid. However, they summoned up their courage and confessed to you. I think that’s really brave. Hence, I think you can be brave too, and confront your own feelings. That way, you can answer their confession properly and without regrets.”

She knew Kanan was right. However, she had already missed her chance, and she didn't know how to find the person. Kanan hummed from beside her and Dia realised that she had vocalised her thoughts. “That may not be completely true. After all, if it was someone you know, you wouldn’t need a name to figure it out.”

“It was deliberately written so I wouldn’t be able to find out their identity.”

“You spend too much time thinking and analysing your problems, when sometimes the answer is something you need to feel. Just because she’s waited this long to confess, doesn’t mean she’s going to keep waiting for you to figure out your feelings for her.”

“You know who it is, don’t you, Kanan-san?” As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew that the question was rhetorical. Unfortunately for her, Kanan wasn’t the type of person who would reveal their identity. Sure enough, her friend shrugged and didn’t answer. 

“Dia, was there anyone who came to mind when Riko-chan asked you about romance?” Before Dia could open her mouth to protest and deny the implied proposition, Kanan raised her hand to stop her. “Regardless of whether you think you’re worthy enough to date them.”

A familiar smirk. Olive eyes that she could get lost in if she stared at her long enough. The mischief and glee in her expression when she was plotting something. She had heard many people describe her as pretty, but it made her upset to think that all they noticed was her looks. She wasn't pretty, she was stubborn and annoying. She had a princess-like attitude that made Dia want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her in exasperation. Most of the time, she felt irritation when she thought of her, but on occasion, their proximity made her think of doing other things. Dia felt her cheeks heat up.

“No...” Her voice was less convincing than what she had been aiming for. It hadn’t escaped her notice that her thoughts had been returning to a particular blonde lately. She took a breath and spoke again, more for her own benefit than Kanan. The latter girl raised her eyebrows. “It’s not ‘love’. It’s not even ‘like’. It’s a bunch of complicated things that I can’t define, so it frustrates me.”

Kanan smiled. “Love is complicated. It goes by many names and means different things to everyone. Just because you can’t define what it means to you, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.”

“When did you become so philosophical?” Dia retorted.

“Being in Azalea with you and Hanamaru-chan probably influenced me.” Kanan scratched her head awkwardly. “Often enough, what we define as love, is only because there’s no other way to describe those emotions. Sometimes, the only way to identify your feelings is to figure it out with that person.”

“You seem to be speaking from experience.”

“N-no! What are you talking about?” As Kanan spluttered out a weak denial, Dia envisioned a small bud sprouting within her. The seed had been planted a long time ago, its unknown identity covered by layers of soil. Then slowly, with time, nutrients and water, the seed broke the surface and its true nature manifested. She didn't know what those feelings would become, but she supposed it would be worth the wait. 

She thought back to Chika’s stubborn expression when she corrected herself and called her “Dia-chan” a few too many times in the span of one conversation. In some ways, Kanan and Chika were similar. Both of them had an earnestness about them which made her feel like she didn’t have to define herself around them. She could just exist as whoever she was and that was enough. There was one other person who made her feel that way, but putting Mari in the same category felt wrong. Her feelings toward her were different. 

Over the years, she had grown accustomed to being defined by different names and stepping into various roles. In some ways, she felt like each person recognised and interacted with a different version of herself. She still didn’t have much of an understanding of her place in other people’s lives. In that sense, she felt as though she was not able to accept or become completely invested in a role. However, each name and role identified a part of her that she was beginning to recognise. She didn’t know whether she would ever be able to connect with people or succeed in the way she envisioned. Yet, in figuring out what it meant to be just “Dia” to someone, she was also discovering what it meant to “be herself”. She realised that she didn’t hate that idea. 

“Thank you, Kanan-san.” for everything. She didn’t have to finish the sentence for Kanan to understand what she was referring to. Against the gradually darkening backdrop of the ocean, her long hair seemed to melt into the water that she loved so much.

“What are you saying? I’m your best friend. It’s what I’m here for. I’ve got to go home now, but can I give you a hug first?” She had barely any time to nod before she was swept up in a tight hug by her oldest friend. For some reason, she found it difficult to choke back tears as she returned the hug. The stress and exhaustion must have gotten to her. She didn't know what was wrong with herself these few days. She would be seeing Kanan again soon. However, perhaps some part of her dreaded the day when that was something she could no longer tell herself.

“Dia.” She tried to look up, but Kanan was still hugging her tightly. “It’s okay to fall in love without completely knowing who you are yet. Just hurry up and accept your own feelings before you lose yourself in your own definition.” 

Satisfied, Kanan stepped away and broke into a run. Dia watched her until she couldn’t see distinguish her figure from the night. Turning back to the dim road ahead of her, Dia realised she didn’t need the street lights to find her way home.

~~

Dia (Da-Ee-Ya)  
What it means to be a Girlfriend 

She stared at the locker in front of her. Inhale. Part of her regretted her decision to come back to school early on a Saturday, but she figured that leaving the letter lying around in her room was not a favourable circumstance either. She hesitated for a few seconds and turned the knob. Exhale.

Everything was in place but she felt something akin to disappointment. She reprimanded herself in her mind. It wasn’t like she could have expected anything else. Another letter was not going to magically appear overnight. Chika and her were the last students to leave the school. Hence, the earliest possibility for someone to sneak another letter into her locker would be the next day.

If Kanan was telling the truth, then this would be her chance to catch them in the act since the entire group were meeting for a rehearsal later.

It was a terribly selfish request but she hoped that somehow, the person would be upset enough to either confront her in person or write her another letter. Yet, she knew it was foolish to believe that the person who sent the confession would go up to her in person even after getting the impression that she slighted them.

She opened her bag and gently held the folded note between her fingers. Kanan had been so sure that she would figure it out. Her eyes scanned the lines on the page but it was she still couldn’t definitively conclude the identity of the person. Sighing, she put the letter back into the envelope and mentally steeled herself to let the entire incident go, if there was no other development. It was probably for the better; she wouldn’t have to hurt anyone and the person could move on from her. 

She placed the note back into its envelope and was about to place it in between her notebooks. However, the name on the envelope made her hesitate. She had initially dismissed the envelope because the contents had taken up most of her attention. Hence, she had completely overlooked the fact that it was addressed to “Dia”. Her jaw dropped. 

She could be overthinking it. She didn't want to get her hopes up, only to be embarrassed and disappointed later on. 

However, some part of her already knew. Running into Mari before practice, Mari deciding to leave early, Kanan’s vague hints and implications; to call them all coincidences would be a stretch, even for her. After all, there was only one other person who called her-

“Dia!! You’re here early. I thought practice wasn’t for a few more hours.” The same blonde who had been occupying her mind was now in her line of sight. She tried to hide her blush even though she could feel her heart beating faster. Mari seemed unusually radiant, or maybe it was her imagination. She looked as though she had run to school since her cheeks were red; but she wasn’t sweating. She wasn’t sure if she was imagining things, but she could have sworn that Mari had slid something into her bag. She seemed surprised to see her, and slightly nervous. However, it was nothing compared to how Dia was feeling. 

“I...had something to do.” Dia struggled to form a coherent sentence. Her mind was racing. If it really was Mari, how would she even begin to respond to her? 

In her obsession to find out who sent her the letter, she hadn’t planned what her response would be. She didn’t want to date anyone but somehow, she didn’t dislike the idea of being with Mari. Belonging to her and being able to call Mari hers, the thought of it was more than bearable. 

“Are you okay, Dia?” Mari felt her forehead with her hand before moving to rest her palm against her cheek. “Your face is red.”

She almost laughed. It was an innocent move but it made her feel giddy. She wanted to retort that she looked no better than Mari, but she realised that the other girl wasn’t moving away. In fact, the blonde seemed to be frozen in place. Perhaps, she too, had realised the position they were in. Dia looked at her. The short distance between their faces made her blush but she tried not to think about it too much. Mari seemed to be trying very hard to do the same. 

Did she know that she knew? 

A few months ago, she wouldn't have imagined that the idea of Mari confessing would send her into such a spiral of emotions. However, now that she was considering the possibility of something between them, she had likely started seeing Mari differently a while ago. 

As a child, she used to hate the way Mari addressed her. Unlike Kanan, she hadn’t been enamored with the image of Mari riding a horse; which she had been skeptical about. Instead, her first proper impression of her was when Kanan introduced them to one another. Her Japanese was heavily accented and even though Kanan explained that she learned Japanese from her mother, Dia was less than impressed. Her friend had been so excited, so she humored her by listening and accompanying her to visit the heiress. After their introductions, Mari had called her Dia, without using any suffixes, even though she had pointedly addressed her politely. The quiet brunette had been stunned into silence for a few seconds. She had assumed that the other girl would get the hint that she wanted to maintain a form of distance since they didn’t know one another very well. 

To make matters worse, Mari’s emphasis was on the wrong syllables. Who pronounced ‘Dia’ like that? It sounded foreign to her ears and she felt like it was a misnomer. 

She had commented on it, rather bluntly, a while later. However, the other girl never attempted to change her pronunciation. Dia became less bothered by it as time went by. She later thought of it as something endearing, since only the privilege of being called informally was only given to her and Kanan. It was only when they grew older, that she realized the significance of addressing someone in such a familiar way. However, she had not read much into it since Mari and Kanan addressed one another in the same manner. There was no point in getting worked up over a name; it was just a word. Mari probably didn't know the significance either. It didn't bother her…much. 

It was embarrassing for her to admit, but it had gotten to the point where she enjoyed hearing her name when Mari was the one calling her. The perfectionist in her should have been irritated by unnaturally dragged out vowels but instead she thought that she wouldn’t mind hearing it for the rest of her life. 

With that thought in mind, she smiled and removed Mari’s hand by grasping it with her own and bringing it to her side. She continued to hold her hand, despite being terrified that she was completely mistaken regarding Mari’s feelings and that she only saw her as a friend. Initiating physical contact was rare for her, but she had to know. She couldn't say anything without at least some form of confirmation that she wasn't the only one who was affected. This time, because she was watching her intently, she caught the startled blush on Mari’s face before the blonde turned away to hide it. However, she didn't try to move away; she just looked shy. Perhaps, the change wasn't all that sudden. Dia had just been too afraid to acknowledge it. 

That was all she needed to cement her resolve. She didn't know what situation she was potentially getting herself into, but she could be brave and figure it out with her. She didn't have a clue what being someone’s girlfriend would entail, but if it was Mari, they would be okay. 

“Mari-san, I have something important to tell you.”

 

End

~~

“The dynamic of friendship is almost always underestimated as a constant force in human life: a diminishing circle of friends is the first terrible diagnostic of a life in deep trouble: of overwork, of too much emphasis on a professional identity, of forgetting who will be there when our armored personalities run into the inevitable natural disasters and vulnerabilities found in even the most average existence.

But no matter the medicinal virtues of being a true friend or sustaining a long close relationship with another, the ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.”

David Whyte, Consolations

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thank you for reading all the way until here. 
> 
> Writing this was exhausting and fulfilling in many ways because I've always enjoyed language and one of the things that struck me about the Dia-chan episode was basically the implications of being defined by a name. I could have made it quite a bit longer but I decided that I should leave the ending as it is, because the focus was on Dia's journey in trying to figure out what she wants and reconciling her aspirations to reality. 
> 
> I used a lot of cultural references with regards to language but I apologise if I wasn't able to bring them out completely. Writing this and forcing myself to analyse and sort of come up with a series of connected character studies was really challenging and I loved every minute of it.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story!


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